Its your life, live it your way..

蔡健雅 - 跟你借的幸福
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XWYyzk3W4o

公园的椅子　
零乱的影子
还给你你家的钥匙
不想听解释爱怎能解释
你我就到此为止

时间的杯子　
满满的心事
爱一点一滴的流失
就算我固执　
就算你坚持
这份爱也难挽回颓势

昨天　跟你借的幸福
抱歉我有不能还你的苦
看着爱在手心留的纹路
依旧是清清楚楚

昨天　跟你借的幸福
是今天以后的回顾
说忘记只是掩人耳目
我在人潮中渐渐失速

哗笑的夜色
我们的故事关上了门
我的心　我的耳朵　只听见下雨声

魏如昀+曾沛慈 - 好久不見
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUvWp2Ovw-E&feature=feedf

我来到 你的城市
走过你来时的路
想象着 没我的日子
你是怎样的孤独

拿着你 给的照片
熟悉的那一条街
只是没了你的画面
我们回不到那天

你会不会忽然的出现
在街角的咖啡店
我会带着笑脸 回首寒暄
和你坐着聊聊天

我多么想和你见一面
看看你最近改变
不再去说从前 只是寒暄
对你说一句 只是说一句
好久不见

I love these 2 songs alot, very comfortable but sad though, i guess it it reflect my mood..

I can forgive, but I cannot forget. Maybe this is just another way to say that i cannot forgive.

Alot people say to forgive is the greatest thing on the earth. Forgive someone is to open up yourself for love, but saying is easy. Doing it is really hard.

I was asked to build the bridge for my 2nd sis with my parent. I have to ask them to forgive her, how i do that when i can't do it myself? I forgive before, but people who take your forgiveness for nothing, is she worth for you to forgive her again?

This few days when i tune to Yes 93.3, i heard 衝動 by 蕭亞軒 for 2 times. This remind me of past relationship with another guy. After i broke up with him, i found him listening to this song through MSN personal message. I have this song in my computer too.. i switch to this song too. When i switch to this song, i dunno he purposely switch away or just nice the song ended and it change to another song. The lyrics touch my heart that time. He was the first male friend i really cared about alot. But.. he don't want me and broke my heart in the end.
Even though he was sorry about it in the end, i still cannot forgive him. I hate to be hurted by the person i loved, and i can never forgive them.

Maybe i know why i can't forgive the both of them, its because i am afraid to be hurt by them again. The naive Xiu Qin is no longer there, the one that is not afraid of everything is gone bah. I am afraid of alot things now.

But thanks to the 2 of them, they put me into a state i am really depressed, but Panda came into my life, listening to me and accompany me walk through all the sad times. Though i always run away from him when i want to cry, but he always held me tight and never let me go. I am learning to hold him tight too. Caz i know he is the one i cannot let go.
怕失散所以輕輕拉你的手一刻不放鬆...

我的心　是被你設定的鬧鐘
提醒我　想你的時間不夠用
為什麼　平淡的事情現在忽然生動
是你改變我

你是情人　還是朋友
還沒勇氣　想得太多
你的世界　如此遼闊
我會在哪個角落

忍不住　想要愛你的衝動
不確定你屬於我　會有點寂寞
你給的幸福　在我心中自由走動
撫平我每一個傷口

谢谢熊猫！
不管是什么时候，快乐或伤心，我知道我有他可以依靠。

曾经，我很伤心，很孤独，恨无助。
是他不放弃我，爱我，忍让我。
是他让我对这个世界还有希望。
是他让我哭，但不管是高兴或伤心到哭，每一滴眼泪都让我更明白我不能没有他！

你说你的一切是我给的，但我却觉得我的一切是你因你而存在的！
曾经，我以为伤心到极点是无法以言语表达的。
但现在我才知道，感动到哭才极点才是最难表达的感受。

就算我身边没人陪我，就算全世界不喜欢我，我知道你不会。
只要是我想要的，你一定会给我的。

是你帮我包扎伤口，挡住寂寞。。

谢谢你！我爱你！

What is love?
Its late now but this question came into my head.
I saw friends broke up, i saw friends happily with their partners.

Patch and break and patch..

I tried it before too, the 2 love in my life.
First one i failed, i was not mature that time, i did not know what i really want and i did not handle everything well.

The second one, Panda.. the one i every loved the most. We argue before, we quarral before, but we know we can't leave each other in the end.
Panda, i tell you, when i was angry with you that day, the other day when you came to school to find me i wanted to forgive you before you came, caz when it was raining, i start to worry you are cold or not and you in the shelter or not. I know i could not forget about you..

Love is something that need both person to put effort it..

I think i need to learn to cherish panda more...but.. everything that happen between us and with my friends just make me think..

Love comes in all form and can be from anyone, family, friends and your love one. I once count before my " 八字" the reading of my life in chinese calculation. I am born to have no love from siblings, it true, i can't really talk with my sister. My elder sister i'm find with her, but our age gap are still too big, we are not used to talking with each other. My second sister, i always said i hate her, but do really hate her? I dunno..

When my sister left the home to start their own family, my parent was depressed, i always get alot of scoldings even though i did not do anything wrong, my parent is always angry. That time my mum was sick. All sort of problem came in, i had problem with my studies that time too. Deep in my heart i always wish to go back to the time when i can have dinner as a family of 5! When we can go out as a family of 5!

All the tears that flow out of my eyes or down to my stomach, i hide it from my family. To them, i am a kid. What i am thinking and doing they dont really understand and know.
I tried before to find my second sister, talk to her nicely, help her patch back with my parents but what we got back was her to hurt my parent even more.

When i lost that sister, and when i think of her and all the time we had together as a family i still cry, i dunno why. I never needed them i thought caz we never really cared for each other much since young. But, i admit i crave for love alot... I really hate her for not caring about my parent and giving up my family, but i can't bring myself to do anything to her.
To my family, i am always a kid. But my thinking is never childish.

Becaz i dont have the normal thinking that people in my age have, its hard for me to find real good friends. Alot people at my age have idols, they still take money from parent, they don't have planning for future, no need for them to worry about future.
For me, i have plans for future, i know what job i want, how much i need to earn, how much i need to save, what i want to give my parent, what i want in future.

Alot people who know my well say i am too mature for my age, one good friend of mine, she is 30 years old, she find me to talk to me about her family problem with her husband and family. I really enjoy talking to her, but she will return to china soon. She say before, i like to act like 4 years old, look like 14 years old but think like 40 years old.

I am always thinking about life and love. Back to topic, what is love?
I really love my family and panda.
But when i see my friends separate and patch, can me and panda last?
I know he really truely love me and i do too, but isit enough like that?
We have limited time to talk to each other each other, we always have alot to tell each other and not enough time to say.

Both of us have the same problem, we can't tell other people other problem, we can only tell each other. So we keep everything in our hearts, we won't tell our family or our friends, we only tell each other, but there is not enough time.

There is so much i want to do and yet there is so little power and time that i have.

I wanted to talk about love, but in the end, i keep thinking about my family now. I have faith in panda. But my family, i dont have a complete family photo.

Sometime i ask myself when people ask me how many siblings i have, maybe i should say 0 or 1 or 2?

Omg omg.. i'm weird today, why am i telling everyone this tonight? I guess when i panda and his cousins make me think abit about my own siblings bah...
But since i type out le, i just post bah.. 

This is a post that panda won't see. He in Tekong sleeping now. I miss him..
So fast he is back to Tekong again.. Got to count down another 5 days again..

NUSIS was over, i shot 367. 3 more points then i can get into Top 15 but this time i got a new experience. I was told that my detail was 12nn. I always like to reach earlier so i reached at 11.15am but my detail was actually at 11.05am.

When i reached, everyone was dry-firing and preparation time had started already. I change close immediately and when to draw my rifle. I told myself i must stay calm. When i went in, preparation time had ended. The competition had started. I went to my lane 21 and i settle down. I did 10 mins dry-firing and calm myself down during that 10 min too. Then i shot 10 sighters to sight my rifle and i started. I shot very fast partly because i shoot very fast normally and partly because i don't want to be short of time. Its a whole new experience that taught me alot of things. Thanks Shi Wei! The result was not bad to me. It hit my target of 360 and i was abit sick while shooting. NTU i shot 333, i did only not more than 4 training after NTU and i improve to 367, i will like to thanks Panda, Jin Cai and Max for coaching me otw. I also did some mental training myself. My next target is 375!

Bad things happens still..i still can't be strong enough..
Sick this week too..
Panda not with me when i'm sick.. thought alot.. miss him alot alot..
I will wait for him.. i know i surely will..
I'm looking forward to 2012 May. Panda ORD..
I LOVE PANDA!

Panda is in NS.. I am having Common Test this week..
Fall sick le.. How i wish i had Panda with me.. How i wish i could tell him everything..
I got to stay happy infront of him.. I don't want him to worry..

Love is something you can't force, love is something that is very sweet but also very sour..
Love is something that could make you live on for it yet can kill you easily..

When i face problem yet Panda is not there for me.. i feel sad and lost..
When i solve the problem i feel happy yet sad that i solved it alone..
When i see him i am very very hyper and happy but when he is not around, i lost all the energy to light up myself..

I feel safe around him .. however.. i am already not the Xiu Qin that used to be not afraid of everything in the world. I'm afraid of scoldings..

When he raise his voice.. the fear in my heart became uncontrollable.. I became someone no one knows.. I can't control myself.. i can't remember eveything later.. There is this part of my memories that is lost.. why can't i control myself during that moment? Why can't i remember everything?

I scared of him because i love him..
I promise to wait for him. i will.. if i'm strong enough..

Bad memories just stay in my mind.. i dunno why.. its  making me thinking at the bad side..
I can't wash away those memories..its always there and always will be there..
Panda.. will you help me wash away?

When you care about other things more than me.. i feel sad..
Maybe that is called jealous bah..
Maybe its the bad memories that is in my head that i didn't managed to clear it..
I really wish you could be here now...
I don't want to seem as if i am not resonable to you that why i never tell you..
You never realise them on your own.. I always had to tell them clearly to you before you could understand.. Wood Head..
I love the way you are.. but .. i dunno why i still feel sad and scared sometimes..
If you are here jiu hao..

Can i be abit selfish and have you all by myself?

Panda enlisted today.. 20May.

I was really not feeling well and i got a MC for my Flash Test and sent him off with his parent.

He is in Division C Platoon 4 Section 1 Bed 15. His number is 4115.

Panda.. my house below got a new born kitten.. My parent say its white with abit black de.. very cute.
If you with me now we can play with it together..

You called me just now, you said your clothes is too big. You got to sew your names on your new set of clothes, if i can help you jiu hao..
Your locker have organisation de.. you said your locker is very messy and you dunno how to fix the lock.. If i could be at tekong pei you jiu hao.. I want to help you pack everything, stay there pei you, i can help you wash your clothes, pack your lockers and even cook for you!
But i cant...

I scratch my leg until a whole big patch skin is torn off.. if you are here now you sure will stop me from scratching.

You juz msg me that you will off your phone and you going to sleep le. Miss you..Time without you is so long.. every second seems to be a year.. Everyone says time flies.. but time dont fly when i am without you..

Miss you alot.. i reach home early today around 3pm. I promised you i will go home early and don't let you worry de.. I did it.
However, the moment i reach home, my parent nag and scold me again.. Really miss you alot alot.. If you are still not in NS, i could call you and msg you.

I got alot alot of school work to do, if you are here to pei me do jiu hao..
Now my mind is full of you..
I said i won't affect my studies de.. i want to get good grades so that i can go 6 month attachment and then during the weekend i can pei you le!

4th June is your first book out.. 2nd October is you POP... I will go find you de..
I will pei you every friday when you book out. I will try to arrange so that sunday i can pei you book in. REALLY MISS YOU ALOT ALOT ALOT... PANDA YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.. remember all the things you promised to do with me k?

I will wait for you de.. i will try my best to take care of myself.
PANDA! I am right here waiting for you to ORD and work hard towards our future together..

I went for my early birthday celebration with the 2 best friends today!
It had been a long time since we chat, really miss the time we were in secondary school.

I love the present they gave me because i know they still care about me alot alot !!!!

I'm glad that i still have my best friends with me ^^

I like my best best friends and of course i love my panda =X

Times and life are not very good for me, no sisters but there is still alot of people i have with me. =)))

I'm starting to know what is stress...
Feeling quite stress lately,
My dad hurt his back again, he lost his job he worked for 2 days.

My relationship with my colleague are also going wrong. I only work 2 days per week, so i get backstabbed really often.

Shooting club have alot of things to settle, i hope i remember everythings and do them well.

Family, Work, Friends, Studies, CCA...

Hope i  can do everything wel l!

I decided to come back to blogging.

Its really a long time i update my blog.. Alot of things happened.

First thing, i realise i changed. However, i not very sure in what way i changed.
In the past, Friends was always No. 1 in my heart, now it had been replace by Panda.
I'm trying very hard to treat my parent better and build a better relationship with them.

My parent still can't find a stable job. Our savings are running low.. I have to solve this.. Kind of worrying for me. I won't accept help from others because my own sisters don't help me. I had been too used to not accepting help.

My 2nd year is starting.. I decided to go to a brand new class with no one i know in it.
I guess its a fresh start... hopefully i get to start my poly life afresh.

School life had been busy with my new role in Shooting Club. I want to do my best in it, I waited for 3 years to come back to shooting, i won't waste my chance. I will try to train efficiently and also bring the club up. Thanks to my committe people!!! <3 THEM LOTS!
Hong Jun, Cheryl, Luqman, Estella and those " Old people" .. ahem.. no no.. i mean my seniors ----- THANKS ALOT FOR HELPING ME SO FAR =) Hope we will continue working together happily.

I decided not to open up my Animal Lover Club because i want to focus on Shooting. Helping animals i can do in other ways. Open a CCA is not the only way... GO GO GO.. JIA YOU FOR ALL THOSE STRAY SUFFERING OUTSIDE!!!!

I have mixed feeling now.. i'm smiling yet i feel like crying...


BYE FOR NOW~ i will try to update more often.. =) So see ya when i update again >.-

My 2010 did not start off great. Many things happened.
I really got to work alot during this hols to earn alot of money for my family.
Things had not been going on well at home especially when my parent is both unemployed again, really depend on me to earn money now.

Studies wise had not been good caz i neglected it. I was too lazy and tired over alot of other stuff.

Relationship with friends had not been good too. Fall sick alot alot of times this year too. Causing my studies and work to be push behind.

With the step in to 2010, workload increase as i'm in shooting club comm. I want to do well in the comm. so i'm planning to spend abit of time on it.

Ahhhh... haiz.. really felt like being stress up by time. So little time but so much to do.
I had alrdy work part time for 1 year and 3 month alrdy. I finally know that study and working at the same time is really tiring. When weekend comes, everyone could use that time to study or relax, i have to work.  I had not been doing tutorial lately which i think is the main cause of my studies droping.

I also had not been sleeping well which cause me feel really tired, i could not concentrate in lectures.

I remember when i was Sec 3, my studies dropped really bad too, i slowly pulled up. Alot of family problems and relationship problem happened then too. Its was definately a downturn in my life that i remembered.

This time, i think its another downturn. This time is worse as i have more problems, and the matter is ME. I am tired, both my mind and body are. Really hope i could stay strong for abit longer and make a turnback.

However, i could foresee that the road infront is a hard one.
1) I'm year 2, need to study even harder. Alot alot of project.
2) Shooting Club to handle, official president then. I need to do well.
3) Increase in working time caz i need to earn $$$ for my parent and pay my own expenses.
4) Panda will not be with me, he'll be in NS
5) Friendship Problem
6) Family Problem and usual
7) I seem to have a few problem with my body. Falling sick really easy nowadays.

I got to overcome all these... with a tired body and mind.
I hope i could be strong enough.

2009 is comming to an end. 2009 pass really really fast for me. I did alot of things i never ever did before in my whole life in 2009.

I started working, work and study at the same time.I when to Poly, alone... Alone in the class, joined CCA alone, did things alone. Everything seems to restart, back to my sec 1 time. I made some friends. I found someone i love very much. I never love someone so much before and i think i will never love others so much in future, only to him, Panda. I did alot alot of things with him.. sad and happy times, alot happened.

I realised i cried alot this year, all is cry infront of Panda beh.. Haiz.. i'm not a cry baby lor! However, those usual problem had been bothering me.. when i talk about it i can't help it but to cry... Not that i wanted to cry .. I can't control..

Things in my family is still the same... For the financial matters, i still need to work hard and earn money to help my parent. For relationship matters.. nothing progress.. everything is still so cold. I know everyone is avoiding each other but i can't do things to help it.. Maybe i'm avoiding too...

Friends.. i made a few new good friends. I miss the times i had with my best best friends in secondary school times. We are abit dift apart now..  Time is the problem i'm having...

What i'm gonna do for the year ahead? I dunno..

Yesterday was my 6th month with panda.. =)

Sooooo fast.. I'm almost year 2 soon. Alot alot alot of things happen this year.. its just a few days before 2010.

My 2009, I started working and studying. Entered into Ngee Ann Polytechnic and backed to shooting. Made new friends. Found someone whom i trust alot alot alot ... my panda.

Things at home are not getting better at all. I was very weak sometime, i lost control quite a few times. I guess all these family problems got to brought forward to the next year again.

Really hope me and panda would last long.. maybe forever.

I was really busy this year.. really really really busy. I had to work, study, cope with my CCA, my family, make new friends, social outings, handle my family problems and of course pei my panda^^ ( the most happy things to do ) . I will be even more busy next year as i step into year 2 and i'm in the NP shooting club comm.

Panda going to NS.. i will miss him. I will have to be use to being in school alone again. No breakfast and lunch with panda anymore. Panda have to jia you jia you in NS o...

I just read joanne blog, realised she haven't change abit.. so cute and straight still. Seems abit ' Hai Zi Qi' to me but thats what i admire about her too. Yun Jie seems the same too. I guess situation changed.. we are not in the same school anymoe but we are still the same as who we are. Miss them...

Alot of things is running through me now.. i will post again when i have time. Got to go now.. BYE!

Maybe by the time that most people read this... maybe i'm not around le.
Sorry for all those who cared for me.. especially Joanne, YY, Yun Jie, Ash and especially PANDA.. Sorry...

Maybe this will be one of my emo post.. and u will laught at it. I don't know i will do wat i plan to do in another hour or not. I miss alot of people and things.. but i'm tired. If i did do what i wanted to do, by the time u reading this..maybe i'm not ard le.

Sorry everyone especially dad and mum..

I realised that i have alot of random post. I'm a random person.. sorry if i'm too random.
Juz took some pics when June June yesterday. My friends said that she look like puppy. However, she is very old le... maybe in another 5-6 years time, she will leave me bah.

I know this day will come and when it come i will let her go. I will take lots and lots of picture with her for now.

CT is comming. Panda has so many things to study.. PANDA JIA YOU JIA YOU! I have alot of things to study too.. it seems ok now cause i'm not lack too much behind but i had not been listening to lecture and doing tutorial for awhile. I hope i can manage to catch the gap back. I will i will study during the 2 weeks break.

2 weeks break won't be break for me bah.. i have work and projects... CCA stuff also must settle too. I really need to plan my time well. Panda and i will be sponsering doggie too. I think i need to be prepared to be very busy for another few months. I can only rest during march hols bah.

I lost my phone last week. This very day last week.. dunno which stupid person pick up le don't want return.... SO SO SO BAD!

I will be getting a new phone soon though.. what should i get? I don't want to spend too much money. I had been using my money quite fast lately, its time for me to do some finiacial planning too. I need to save up more in case any emergency.. Its time to bring the savings in my account back to the orginal amount. I feel really bad seeing it reducing. I will work abit more during the march hols to save up bah.. of course i will still rest.. but.. i will work hard. 

I know i will be very busy for my whole 3 years of poly education.. Work, Studies, CCA, savings, Friends and my dear panda... i need to balance it well .. I will try my best.. it will be hard but i guess i have no much choice but to try my very best.

I'm abit tired but i'll try my best.

曾经在风中对你说, 不要走.
曾经在雨中对你说, 不要走.

当一个人独自随风而去,
心中只有千万个痛.

爱的尽头有谁在守候?
我有太多伤心的过去,
几时才不痛?

当幸福从手中猾过,
心里剩下的是什么?

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The above is what i think of when i to the song 幸福手中过. Its a chinese song sang by hokkien singer, not really special or wat, but just hit my heart just right there.

I had been really silly and weak juz 2 days ago. I almost lost the chance of typing this now.
Its the first time i leave house at midnight... The only one i want to see is him. I saw him, the words in my heart suddenly blank out. I dunno what to say, what to do. 
I really wanted to end everything.. at least put an end to myself, to my life. 
I know it is silly, weak and selfish to think this way but i no longer care at that moment. 
I had the chance to end everything only if i did not care about him. If i didn't care about him and dont go back to find him, i would not be here. The moment i climb up, if i had been faster, if he was not able to catch me, juz one second later i would had ended everything. Everything else in the world will not be related to me anymore. I'm free, in the other words, i lost myself too.

I know i could be really strong if i pull myself harder, but sometime i just feel like being weak. Too tired of life, too tired of acting strong. I know things will be better once i pass this period but other problem will come up again and hurt me even more. I'm tired, but this is life isn't it?

What was my motivation in the past?
I want to give my parent good life, i want to live a successful life.
I want to contribute to the world.
I want to dote and care about the animals in this world and do something for them.
I don't believe that i can't change my life.

However, i do get tired and weak especially at night when everything is so quiet, when i'm left alone to face myself.

I remember the times when i cried everynight without fail...
I remember the times when i was being left all alone....
I remember the times when my hope dash right infront of me...
I remember the times i overcome my problems...
I remember the times when everything was just so right and nice...
I remember the times when my perfect life i created was crashed..
I remember the times when i feel that i had everyone in world to care about me...
I remember the times when i feel that i'm all alone in this world...

Things come and go...
Life has up and down...
Happy and sad...
Laughter and cries...
I been through.. i really been through...

What i had been searching for is a good listener .. someone who i can really talk to...
I'm trying really hard to be a good listener too...

When i type out this... this very moment.. my heart is pain.. i dunno why..
I could really feel the pressure on my heart.. am i imagining it?
I don't mean write this to ask you to pity me.. no matter who you are, i will be mean one time by saying this " If you don't agree, if you don't like what you read, just delete off you mind. I don't need alot comment to this, i don't need or rather i am sick of comment to my life. Maybe you do understand my feeling but to me you never would unless you went through the same thing as me. I just want to pour some of my tots out at my blog. If you don't like it, sorry."

All those words that people say to me, i told myself unlimited times before. I understand the unfairness in life, i'm not blaming anyone or anything. I don't hate anyone or anything. I just can't stop myself from feeling sad sometime.

17 years and 7month times... How much pain can a human feel in life? Why do i think that the feelings i had are extremely strong... Maybe because i'm different from others with a different background and a different mindset. I find myself very different from others but i like myself this way... i maybe naive, i maybe silly but i do what my heart says and thats enough for me..